Thursday, February 14, 2013


Urban Meyer
TBT/Lee Hudnell
A fourth-grade school teacher in rural West Virginia is teaching the children in her history class about the Declaration of Independence.

The teacher asks her class, "Do any of you know who signed their name really big on the Declaration of Independence?" Every kid in the class raised their hand ... well, except lil Johnny. 

The teacher noticed Johnny was the only student who didn't have his hand waving in the air, so she asked, "Johnny, do you know who signed their name really big on the Declaration of Independence?"

"I don't give a (expletive)!" Johnny replied.

The teacher instantly screamed, "Johnny ... such language! You can go stand in the corner of the room."

After about 30 minutes had passed, the teacher once more asked Johnny — who was still standing with his nose in the corner — "Do you know who signed their name really big on the Declaration of Independence?"

Again, Johnny replied, "I don't give a (expletive)!"

The teacher was at her wit's end with Johnny, so she called his father to come to the school. When Johnny's father, Jeb, arrived at her classroom — decked out in bib overalls, and sporting a long dark and gray beard — the teacher told him that his son wouldn't tell her who signed their name really big on the Declaration of Independence.

Jeb just scratched his beard curiously and said, "Don't ya worry ma'am, I'll be gettin' to the bottom of this rightch here."

Without hesitation, Jeb grabs Johnny by his shirt collar, goes into the hallway, slams his back against the wall and yells, "If you signed that dang gum thang, you best go in thar and tell yur teacher this instant or I'm gonna give ya a whoopin'!"

I am pretty sure all of those reading this understood that it was simply a joke. There is no lil Johnny or Jeb, and every West Virginian doesn't look or sound like Si from Duck Dynasty.

Recently, at a Ohio coaches clinic in Columbus, Ohio State head football coach Urban Meyer told those on hand a story about how when he was an assistant for the Buckeyes in 1986, then-head coach Earle Bruce brought in the great Woody Hayes to teach his staff about toughness.

Meyer spoke about how a dying Coach Hayes pulled a turtle out of a box and let it snap down on his southern region to show how tough he was, and that the staff needed to develop that same toughness in order to win.

Of course, once Meyer ended with a funny punch line — not suitable for print in the newspaper — it was obvious the entire story was a joke. Especially for those who have heard him tell it numerous times, using different characters and plots.

However, this didn't stop news outlets throughout the country to run with the story as if it were true, using headlines like NBC's "Urban Meyer tells an interesting story about Woody Hayes," or even more pathetic, USA Today's "How Woody Hayes used a turtle to motivate Ohio State's staff."

Sad thing is, the USA Today ran the story as if it were hard news. They will probably run another story later saying it was a hoax, and the turtle's name is Lennay Kekua.

It's hard to believe that anyone who actually heard Meyer tell the story would think it was true. I know this country's sense of humor has become as rare as the Yangtze River Dolphin, but wow, we have gotten to the point where we can't even decipher the difference between a true story and a flat out joke? 

It's pitiful that Jerry Emig, the OSU football SID, has to send out e-mails to all of us on the OSU beat clarifying something that shouldn't have to be clarified in the first place.

I, unlike Emig, would have bluntly written, "Attn: Morons ... IT WAS A JOKE!"

So ... this attractive blonde woman walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for a $5,000 loan. She tells the loan officer that she will be using her beautiful new Mercedes-Benz SLR Stirling Moss as collateral. 

The banker instantly approves the loan, has one of the clerks pull her car inside the bank's private garage, and the lady calls for a cab and drives off with the $5000.

Two weeks later, the blonde woman arrives at the bank, pays back the $5,000, plus $15.71 interest to the loan officer who approved her. Just as the blonde was walking out, the officer asked, "Ma'am, we looked into your account and noticed you have nearly $800,000 in it. Just wondering why you needed a $5,000 loan when you have more than three-quarters of a million dollars in here?"

The pretty blonde just flashed a smile at the banker and asked, "Where else could I park my Mercedes-Benz in New York for two weeks for only fifteen dollars?"

By the way ... that's a joke, too.